Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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