He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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