I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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