living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
