if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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