Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
