remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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