this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
