My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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