Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
