Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize