last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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