You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
