Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My dad is sitting where you rode me
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
