he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He has the fingertips of a God
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