i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
