If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
