$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
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