too bad you live with your parents still
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
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