Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
