Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
