is your mom at the bar?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
ttyl tear gas
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
