Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
