Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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