I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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