I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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