All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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