I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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