Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
