1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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