erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
