if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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