hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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