just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
