Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
