I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
