I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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