it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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