Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
