There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
