Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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