Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I wish there were birth control emojis
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
