Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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