Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
