it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think my moral compass just broke
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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