checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
