So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
