Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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