I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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