OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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