If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
