I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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