Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I smell stomach acid.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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