come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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