Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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