I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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