Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
