Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
