Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
