Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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