forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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