Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
