In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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