They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
