so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
