The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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